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Thursday

On the flight to Miami I sat next to an off-duty pilot who tried to insist that I use his uniform jacket as a blanket. After we landed, he read all of my texts over my shoulder and tried to make small talk based on the information he had gleaned. "You like the Kardashians?" 

Goal for Basel: see a Kardashian—preferably Kourtney, the most underrated Kardashian. I'd also enjoy Khloe. I'm scared of Kylie and Kendall. Rob doesn't count.

Friday

I was nervous about forcing myself to participate in so much culture in such a short time. I fearfully got up and went to Pulse, a satellite festival. Pulse was the perfect way to ease into Basel; it had a grassy lawn with hammocks and free Perrier (I felt sad for the Perrier girls who had to dress in head-to-toe green). The best installation was Watch Some Movies by Casey Neistat, because you could sit on a couch and watch movies or Keeping Up With The Kardashians while he served beer and grilled cheese sandwiches, aka feel like you never left home. Perfect for the shut-in. 

No Kardashian sightings today. Several times I thought I saw one, but it was always just a random girl dressed as a Kardashian; long dark hair extensions, fake eyelashes, an outdated bodycon dress. Basel Barbies.

Not pictured: Kourtney Kardashian

Saturday

Beyonce spotted at Basel: she looked perfect and was looking at the art the way a parent would indulgently look at their child's kindergarten drawing, lots of nodding and head tilting. There was a lot of internet art and I wish her Tumblr had been included in Basel somehow. No Kardashians still, which makes sense; Kim is notoriously afraid of Beyonce so unless Kanye dragged her, she wouldn't be anywhere near this Beyonce field trip.

I met a group of Northern expats. I asked what Miami was like, and if they ever shop at Dash, the world-class Kardashian boutique. They came up with a litany of bizarre information and ignored my Kardashian questions. "There are a lot of beautiful people, but keep in mind 1 in 6 people in South Florida have HIV." "When I first moved here there was an underground horse-meat smuggling ring in the news, so I became a vegetarian." "Christmas decorations here are just really depressing and ruin the summer fun state of mind." "Iggy Pop lives in a mansion in the suburbs." "No apartments have hardwood floors, it's all tile. I feel like I've been living in a bathroom for the past 3 years." "My seventy year old real estate agent told me to lighten up when I refused to rent an apartment where the entire bedroom was mirrored. She told me it was sexy and that I didn't know what I was talking about." 

This last thing actually sounded like something a Kardashian would say, if she worked in real estate. 

Sunday

Having fulfilled my art duty, I spent my last days at the beach. I got a really good tan all over from just my 1.5 days at the beach. The tropical sun is so much better than the Chicago sun. In Chicago I will get a really intense tan on, like, my knee and nothing else after a hard day lying in the sun, rotating hourly. In Miami it was effortless. There were peacocks walking around and the beach was empty. It was heaven. I felt like a Kardashian.

Monday

The airport on Monday morning was my last chance to see a Kardashian but I was in a crowd of hungover French DJs and my celebrity spotting was sabotaged. I'm sad I didn't see a Kardashian in the wild. But really, Kardashians were everywhere, even if I didn't see the Kardashians. Everyone was drunk, wearing false eyelashes, whining loudly, and talking about how Kanye West is actually a really good designer. That is the beauty of Miami.